Tuesday, August 30, 2011

"Parry Hotter Stuck in a Botter"

Parry was raised by his Uncle Cactus and Aunt Dinkleberry. They treated him poorly, and kept him in a bottle on a cabinet shelf.

They fed him leftover cat feces, and only emptied him from the bottle when they wanted to use him to entertain their son, Tubby.

One time, when they forced Parry to dance “the Maccarena,” Parry became so angry that he brought the Plague upon Tubby.

A few weeks later, Tubby died, and Parry was no longer allowed out of the bottle.

It wasn't really Parry's fault. He didn't even know what the Plague was, let alone how to cast it from nowhere. “And anyways,” he shrugged, “shit happens.”

Parry was a blizzard. His mother and father had been blizzards too, but they were killed by a change in the weather.

The night of his parents' death, he obtained a questionable growth on his forehead that he needed to get checked out, but his aunt and uncle wouldn't pay for a doctor's visit.

By the time Parry was a teenager, it grew so large and ugly that it became nearly impossible for him to get a girlfriend.

Not that this mattered much, since his only chance to pick up women was when the housekeeper opened the cabinet door to reach for a mop and cleaning liquid, every other week.

One fateful day Parry got a letter. It was from the Blizzard King. It said: I'm sorry that you are stuck in that bottle for the rest of your life. That really sucks.

A week later, Parry noticed a crowd of owls outside Uncle Cactus and Aunt Dinkeberry's kitchen window.

In the morning there was a lot of owl shit around the windowsill.

The End.

Rabbit, Part II

“Jackie, I'm tired of you.  Your ass is too small.” 

A greying Dr. Baltar gets out of his chair and leaves the room his current wife, Jackie, is in.

Jackie, a beautiful, thirty-something-year-old brunette, picks up a picture of the two of them and gazes at it, more out of habit than for nostalgia.  She quickly gathers her things together, knowing that shortly she'll have to leave.

Dr. Baltar treats each marriage like an eighty-night stand.  Jackie is Dr. Baltar's 25th wife. And though Jackie is beautiful, witty, and well-accomplished as a robotic engineer, Dr. Baltar is bored, and so, enough is enough.

Dr. Baltar walks into a room full of smart-looking men. 

The true issue at hand: Experiment #337.

“Gentlemen,” Baltar starts, “the bothersome PETAVONA is at it again, this time, again attacking animal testing in our labs.”

“But I thought those laws were passed?” one gentleman asks.

“Which laws are you referring to?” Baltar questions the man, wondering himself.

“The laws that allow us to test on animals for the good of mankind, you know, etc.”

Another man irritably answers, “We're losing precious time...”

“I know,” says Baltar, “I know.”

“We should just kill them,” a teenage intern suggests, only half-joking.  Everyone stares at him, addressing his gruesome acne.

“May we all take a moment to count Adam's pimples,” Dr. Baltar commands.

“But what about PETAVONA, sir?” says the gentleman.

“I've counted eleven so far...” says Dr. Baltar.

"Pimples?" asks the gentleman.   He stares at Adam.

"Well, if it matters at all, I've just counted fourteen." he softly admits.

Adam solemnly accepts their singling out his acne as punishment for making one bad joke.

Rabbit, Part 1

Part One

The rabbit looked like it might be dying.  I put my hand on its chest.  His little heart was beating fast...

“Just leave it!” Lola shouted.

But I knew this wasn't any rabbit.  I was sure I had seen it before...

“You'll get rabies,” she warned, nudging me to go.  “Benjamin, come on...”

I began to walk away with Lola.  A minute later I heard a loud boom, coming from the area where the rabbit had been.   “Lola,” I began to say, but started running as fast as I could back to where we had been with the rabbit.  The rabbit was gone.

“Lola!” I called out.  “Lola, come see this.”

“Ben, what in the hell am I supposed to be looking at?  I don't see anything.”

“You don't see anything...exactly!  That rabbit—it looked like it had only three minutes to live.  I don't know.  It's just weird that it would suddenly disappear like that.”

“Shouldn't we be happy for it, Benjamin?  It lived!  It gets another few good years of procreating.”

“Yeah, “ I laugh, “You're right,” and give her a winning smile. We walk away together, but I still feel strange.